How do you cope with your child talking back? First, let’s look at what you consider “talking back”. If you say to your child “go clean your room” and they say “I don’t like cleaning my room”. This is not talking back, it is just stating an opinion. The parent can respond with, ” I understand that you don’t like to clean your room. Let’s have you focus on what you are going to start with. Putting toys away, throwing away garbage…” If they still resist then walk over to them and hand over hand start putting the items away.

I had a rule when I was a teacher that I only asked students to do something once. If they did not comply then I did the hand-over-hand method to get them to comply. There was not time to beg 28+ students to clean up, get in line, get jackets on etc.

If you say to your child, “go clean your room” and your child says, ” no”. You can respond “no is not an option. What are you going to start with. Putting toys away, throwing away garbage…” Again, if they resist, do hand over hand. My students learned very quickly that I meant what I said. I was not angry or mean about it, just setting firm and consistent expectations.

If your child responds with something like “I am not going to clean it. You clean it.” That is talking back.

At this point your child is starting to become disregulated. Adults: you need to remain calm! You can respond with something along the lines of:

• I don’t like the way that you said that. Try again.
• What is making it hard to start picking up the blue blocks? (choose something specific). If the task seems more manageable, you are more likely to get compliance.
• The more time you spend avoiding the task, the less time you have to do what you want.

If your child still resists, you need to stop what you are doing and make a connection with then. A child who is angry or crying needs to co-regulate with you. You can validate their feelings and ask what they need in this moment. Take a few minutes to connect and then have them go back to the task that needs to be done.

This not letting them ” get away with something”. They have their needs of being seen and heard met and you get your request of a clean room. All while avoiding yelling.

This will likely not go smoothly the first time. All the adults who take care of the child need to agree on how to respond to common complaints.

If the request is for them to put toys away and they are resisting, an adult yelling or threatening to take away their devices will increase their disregulation. The adults need to stay as calm as possible to avoid escalating the situation.

More on emotional regulation in a future post.