What is the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?

When a child is already tired, hungry, or overwhelmed he becomes disregulated. An adult may notice the child starting to fidget, yawning, whining, running away, etc. Children can become disregulated throughout the day. This is something that adults can notice to see if there are certain patterns in behavior. More on that another day.

When a child is having a tantrum they are trying to communicate that something is wrong and they are trying to fix the problem in the best way they know how. They are still connected to the adult and trying to communicate. For example, If the child is having a tantrum about getting ice cream and the adult walks out of the room, the child will follow. If the child is given what they want the tantrum will stop.

Kids know who they can throw a tantrum to get what they want and who will stay consistent. If an adult says, “no” and having tantrums in the past have not worked the child will stop. If the adult says, “no” and crying and whining gets them to eventually say yes the child will continue to use that behavior because it gets them what they want.

Meltdowns are a different level of distress. These can happen when a child is completely overwhelmed and has temporarily disconnected from the adult. Let’s use the ice cream example again. . If the child (who is already disregulated) wants ice cream and is told , “no”. During a meltdown if the adult leaves the room the child does not notice because they are not connected to the adult. If the adult gives them ice cream the child will continue to cry because they are not connected to what is going on around them.

Meltdowns are tough for everyone involved. Ideally the adult will remove anything that is overstimulating (turn off tv, turn down lights) get on the child’s level and just calmly say, “I am here when you need me”. Allow the child to come to you. Some kids need hugs and rocking when overstimulated and some do not want to be touched. While this is going on, the adult needs to do their best to keep themselves calm. This is not easy! It is time to channel your inner zen master.

Some ways to reduce the number of tantrums and melt downs:

• notice if certain times of day or certain places cause distress
• when your child is starting to show distress, stop and ask what they need ( water, food, to slow down, a hug etc.)
• let your child know what is happening (we are waiting in line at the store, after that we will walk to the car and go home)
• before going into a store remind the child what you are there to buy (what is on the list) if every shopping trip ends with them getting a treat shopping will become an issue.
• Allow your child some choices ( do you want to wear the green sweater or the blue sweater?) They may have rather worn a swimsuit, but in January, not the best choice.
• remember that both you and your child are learning to communicate with each other and tears will still happen. The goal is less time feeling frustrated and more time feeling connected.