Why don’t people understand their emotions? As children, many of us were told, “You’re fine” or “It’s not that big a deal” or “stop crying”. The message that was sent was that our feelings were an inconvenience to others. We should just be quiet and stop complaining.
“Do you know how good you have it? Other kids have it way worse than you.” I had everything I needed as a kid, except the space to have emotions. I learned to cry silently so I would not be yelled at for crying. Things I was worried about were brushed aside like they were unimportant.
I shut my emotions off and was then asked, ” why don’t you ever smile?” If I gave an opinion about something my brother was quick to jump in to tell my why my opinion was stupid. I just learned to say ” whatever, it does not matter”.
The reason that so many people do not know how they feel is because we were forced to shut down to get through the day. As adults we often feel numb and then feel emotions when they are really big. Big emotions can be uncomfortable and we are embarrassed by them. We apologize. Then stuff them back down again.
In karate kid and kung fu movies they would portray the old man who would sit quietly and meditate as being kind of quirky. He would answer questions in obscure ways. But really, he was the smartest person in the room. How can you pretend to know others when you do not even know yourself?
What I want to help people with is to recognize their emotions and help their children learn about their own. Feelings are normal. Feelings can be uncomfortable but we are safe when we feel them.
Check out some of Heidi’s reading recommendations here.
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